Knowing doesn’t have to suck

Techniques to use when dealing with difficulty

“Remember to on every occasion which leads thee to present difficulty to apply this principle: Not that this is a misfortune, but that to bear it nobly is good fortune”                                                                     Marcus Aurelius

 

During my study on personal growth psychology, I have read many books and articles about how to deal with shitty situations. All of them provided amazing tools to use. Achievable means for the desired solution. I began to notice a trend through. All the wisdom being provided was focused on situations you can control for the most part. Working in a field you don’t find fulfilling, being out of shape either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, a dog that bites you every time you open the fridge.

I’m not trying to downplay these situations, they suck, that’s life sometimes. What I’m saying is these kinds of problems are in our control. With a little courage and discipline, you could take action to enact change. These are problems that could seize to exist today.

You are one of the variables causing the difficulty. You are the one not taking the proper steps to mitigate the feelings of helplessness, anger, stress, and sadness. You are the one deciding to stay in the field of work, not work on yourself, or keep the dog. I call these “why the fuck” problems. Write it down and put your current problem next to it. If you’re unable to conceptualize a rational answer, it’s probably under your direct control to change. Let’s do one together.

You: “Why the fuck does my dog bite me when I open the fridge”?

Me: “Dude, I have no clue. You should probably do something about that”.

This got me thinking about difficulties in life that are out of our control. Universally structured events that have been designed out of our scope of influence. Mechanisms that need to exist to maintain order. Simply put, some things are in our control, and some things are not.

This is the basis of Stoic Philosophy. Focusing your energy inward rather than outward. Viewing difficulties in life as neither good nor bad, but rather indifferent. To the Stoics, the only good is living life honorably and virtuously. I know this sounds difficult. Sometimes you want to scream at the top of your lungs out of anger. Honestly, that’s ok. The important thing is you immediately return, not allowing the effects of the situation to last longer than they should.

These types of difficulties have time stamps. Changing space and time poses a difficult task. What we can do though is change our opinion. We could change our perception of the present difficulty. During my first days of my deployment, I asked myself this question:

 How can I still thrive without just sitting back complacently counting the days?

This was my first venture into mindfulness. It catapulted me through tools that worked and tools that didn’t work. Today I would like to share three techniques I used to not only become a better person but navigate the difficulty at hand.

Surrender to the moment

The word surrender has a negative connotation. It is defined as ceasing to resistant an enemy or opponent and giving in to their authority. When we hear this word, we think weak, coward, we avoid its use at all costs. When life or death is on the line, the act of surrender is inconceivable. We must have fortitude in life to survive.

However, in this context, surrender is not only beneficial, it’s imperative. Surrendering to the moment brings you to a state of enlightenment, of mindfulness that detaches from whatever emotion you’re feeling. In doing so, you’re able to create space between your being and your mind. Observing your thoughts rather than letting them control. This slows things down fostering the ability to think rationally.

Your soul is living Now, in this moment. When you live in the present moment, you develop clarity. You’re highly alert and aware. You’re not thinking of what was or what will be. Rather, you’re thinking about what is. This moment is all there is and all there ever will be. You rip apart the chains of the mind allowing freedom to enter. You’re able to see life for what it truly is. Love, beauty, wonder, creativity, joy. Cultivating true inner peace.

We cannot control past or future, we can only control the present moment. Anxiety and fear dissipate and you’re able to enjoy the miracle that is living. Feel your feet on the ground, breathe, and open your heart.

Disciplined routines

Initially, I was going to focus on disciplined habits. I switched gears after reading Dr. Benjamin Gardner’s definition of habits. He says habits “generate an impulse to do a behavior with little or no conscious thought”. Simply put, it’s your brain’s way of easing its workload. Not having to deliberate on trivial tasks. I thought of brushing your teeth, driving to work, or eating dinner. This is not what I was going for. I got to thinking, and found that disciplined routines are more my style. Routines require hard work and deliberate practice. Daily activities requiring a conscious commitment. They’re not something you just do out of necessity, there something you do because you desire improvement.

And this is what I did while deployed. I developed disciplined routines that helped me focus on the day. Exercise, read, write, meditation, cold showers, and no alcohol. I became pretty anal. Not only did I have to ensure my daily routines were complete, I had to make sure all variables involved in the activity stayed consistent. Through this practice, I was able to ensure my daily desired productivity level was met. Each time I deliberately complete my routine I would experience a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

Having these routines helped develop willpower. I viewed the completed activity as the reward instead of the new routine itself. This kept me from selling myself short. Avoid the “I didn’t do it today, but I’ll do it tomorrow” mindset. The good feelings only came when I finished the activity. Eventually, the routines become second nature but the feeling I got after doing them stayed. Wait, does that mean there just difficult habits now? No, let’s just stick with routines.

Gratitude

It’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves. The simplest way to explain why we feel down and out is to place blame internally or externally. To me, it’s a cop out. “I can’t do anything about this”, “my life is so hard because of…”, “they just don’t understand me”. Let’s get one thing straight, life is difficult. If it were easy, the world would be full of rainbows and butterflies as people went about their days hugging and kissing one another. This is not the case. Life is a grind. It is our views on the “grind” that have to change. Embracing the difficulties brings out the best in us. How you view the grind influences your level of fulfillment.

To better cope with the difficulties, we must have gratitude. The meager insignificant events must be enjoyed. Become aware of all the variables that encompass your existence. Just the fact that your alive is a miracle. Each breath is an amazing physiological process. The air we breathe has the exact molecular makeup needed to create oxygen. The slightest deviation would project a different outcome. We could go on and on, but you get the picture. Having gratitude for everything we do have will lessen the effect on the things we don’t have.

I want to close this with a personal experience of mine. Just yesterday, I experienced a difficulty that was out of my control. It definitely had a start and end. As it happened, I was mindful on how I viewed it and decided to act nobly and not cave in. Either way you draw it up though, it sucked. That was positive, the negative came as I was driving back to my hotel room. My subconscious was construing thoughts of self-pity. Instead of being content with how I managed to navigate this life event, the “why me” bullshit thought had taken over.

Then it happened. The Universe felt me slipping and took action to bring me back. As I sat at a stoplight, I saw a mother and her, she looked about two, year old daughter walking from car to car asking for food. Your contribution to the World leads to your level of happiness, so certainly I could spare this trail mix I had. As I lowered the window and handed this woman the trail mix, the little girl lurched to grab it as though she hadn’t eaten in quite some time. This took my breath away. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself about some insignificant life event when this mother and daughter don’t have food. I was once again reminded of the importance of gratitude.

They’re countless ways to maintain yourself during difficult times. I just wanted to share my personal experience and what I felt helped me cope. Being away from the things you love most is a difficult life event. I have missed my family every second of every day. This is what life has asked of me, and I know they understand this. They are the fuel that continues to propel the engine of my life. But for me, surrendering to the moment, disciplined routines, and gratitude made each new day easier to cope until the day we are together again.